I know in my brain that I can’t change what people think of me. I know in my brain that I need to stop beating myself up over other people’s opinion of me. I know I can’t change the actions I may have done or not done in the past that have hurt people. I know that I am chasing an ideal of what I want to be that5 is unattainable. I know that this way lies madness.
But the times when I didn’t outweigh the ones where I did in my heart. My marriage falling apart. My son at 19 telling me that I made him into someone who can’t handle life. A friend of 17 years saying that it was all bullshit. So many women telling me that I’m just not good enough. The jobs that let me go. The shitty house that still has a leaky roof after $400 spent to fix it. They all speak to me just as loudly as the times when people tell me I am a good person who is kind, thoughtful and caring.
I wonder if everyone goes through this. I have no idea, honestly, because other people seem as if they are functioning at a higher level than me.