I saw a list on line of someone Top 10 crackers. I am stealing the idea and doing my own because I can. Letterman retired, so was can ALL do top 10 lists now.
- Triscuit – They have a bajillion flavors now, from rosemary and olive oil to Mountain Dew, but I don’t care. Plain old Triscuits are awesome. When I was in 6th grade, we bought them for sleepover movie nights thinking we were classy, now I buy them because they are the best way to eat cheese.
- Pretzel Thins – Pretzels you can stack shit on? Awesome.
- Saltines – When I was a kid, my dad would crumble about 40 or so of these in his soup in order to eat it. It wasn’t until my 40’s that I realized you didn’t have to do that. Still, if I am tired and hungry, there things are edible, take no thought, and taste just good enough that you eat them.
- Graham – You can lie to yourself and say they are healthier than cookies. I won’t call you out. They also were created as a health food, so they have always been a lie. Most of you buy them now only to make s’mores, which is a damn shame.
- Teddy Grahams – These saved my son’s life numerous times on long car trips because if he had a baggie of these, he’d be quiet while I listened to the radio or tried to figure out where the hell Cedar Rapid is on the damn map.
- Goldfish – These saved MY life on long car trips so that I didn’t lose my mind and start eating the dashboard out of hunger and boredom.
- Pita chips – These are sold to us as healthy (they’re BAKED! Wait, all crackers are baked…) and you eat them with hummus instead of some industrialized cheese product.
- Ritz crackers and their assorted generic knockoffs – When you want a rich golden brown color and more fat with your saltines.
- Animal crackers – These used to be in the top 3, but somehow in the last 20 years, they make them with extra “who gives a damn” so that they don’t taste as good as they used to. Or, I’m am not a child any more. Either way, I buy a box or so a year, and half way through, I realize why I never buy them.
- Bagel Chips – The loudest food in history. If I am eating these, it’s because I really don’t want to hear a damn thing you’re saying, but am too polite to wander away or to tell you to shut your pie hole.