Agent of Change

On hypocrisy

I have been thinking about hypocrisy today.

It’s been a huge thing in the news lately, it’s something we use to beat down those we disagree with, and a LOT of what I was taught in behavioral psychology was about cognitive dissonance, the backflips the mind goes through when we hold two opposing ideas. One of the worst things you can call someone is a hypocrite, and I know people who gleefully point out the hypocrisy of people they don’t like just to watch them squirm.

But. What if we think about it in a different way?  What if, as part of loving everyone, we assume positive intent about people and their hypocrisy is a case of them just not living up to the ideal version of themselves they want to be?

We all have failings. We don’t follow through 100% on every promise.  We don’t fulfill every request from the people in our lives.  We all see ourselves as the hero of our stories, but sometimes we’re the fool, sometimes we’re the bystander and sometimes (hopefully rarely) we’re the antagonist in someone’s personal story.

Instead of instantly jumping to the attach when someone’s words don’t match up with their actions, think to yourself about things YOU say about yourself that you are trying to live up to. I see myself as a kind person, but I’ll bet you don’t have to look too far to find someone who sees me as opportunistic or manipulative.  I know a person who holds her friends to incredibly high moral standards, but has had affairs during different periods in her marriage.

Hell, I once had a friend who was a living embodiment of this, and I learned early on that the only way I could stay friends with them was to realize that they had a highly inflated version of themselves that they could never live up to. I accepted them and forgave them when they would speak with massive hypocrisy.

I always see the ones I love as their best selves, even if they don’t.

We can attack and tear them down, or, we can give them what we would want if we fall short of our internal standards. Understanding.  I often say I don’t have goals and resolutions, because they invite failure, and it is the same with these things.  If we flip it from being mad at someone’s hypocrisy to understanding it’s a case of them not living up to their ideal of themselves, it’s easier to forgive and understand.

Much love to friends old and new, and I hope you are able to forgive those who don’t live up to their perfect version of themselves.

Morning drive

Normally, my drive in to work in uneventful. Since they have shifted my start time to 8:30, I avoid the freeways, as they increase my drive time by up to 45 minutes.  Still, it’s rush hour so there is a lot of traffic.  The first leg of my drive is along a lake with a lot of wooded area around the road, so you get to see squirrels and other animals, and sometimes, the squirrels dart across the road ahead of you.

This morning, as I was driving in, a squirrel ran out in front of me and was across my lane of traffic, and then stopped and started to run back. It made its change at a point where I was unable to slow down enough to keep from hitting it.

I know. It’s just a squirrel.  But it hit me and I started to think about the different metaphors that can be gleaned from what happened, the fragility of life, and how I was listening to the news, getting concerned about everything going on politically but in many ways, none of that matters as the world keeps on moving along.

A few miles later, a busy intersection as blocked because there had been a car accident. A minivan had its entire front end destroyed, with smoke billowing from the raw, visible metal, a sedan had a side crushed, and another car had its front end smashed beyond repair.  While cars were driving around the accident to get to work on time, on the median, there was a woman, sitting, head in her hand, sobbing with someone sitting next to her with an arm around her shoulder.

As I was waiting my turn to go around them, a police car showed up. The officer was talking to the woman who was sitting in the median as I went around, and I did my best not to gawk at what is probably one of the worst mornings in that woman’s life.  All three vehicles were totaled and with the officer reacting the way he did, I was reasonably sure no one was killed or seriously injured.

In both cases, a decision was made that turned out to be a bad one. In the squirrel’s case, it was to change direction in the face of danger and it was fatal.  For the drivers of those vehicles, I would speculated that someone made a decision and didn’t correct from things changing around them (an unseen vehicle, slowing down to let someone turn who might not have the right of way).  It makes me think about how our choices are all based on what we know in that moment, but the information or calculations we make can be flawed.

This is a week of unpleasant memories for me. Some are public, some I have only shared with close friends, but being a sentimentalist, I tend to think about them overmuch when the calendar bring them up again.

Some, I chose to do something. Some, I didn’t have much of a choice.  Some, I was merely reacting to what someone else wanted.  All of them changed things and brought me here, to this time, and this place with this knowledge.  I wish all of them would have turned out differently, but for all of the memories and heartbreak, I have to embrace them for the knowledge I gained.

Much love to friends old and new, and I hope that when decision time comes, you are able to make the wise choice based on where you are, what is going on around you and what is best for everyone involved.

I told ME not to be so stupid, you moron

I have no problem saying I am a moron when it comes to some things. I am well aware of my limitations, abilities and when I can and cannot learn.  In 2011, I realized that I am a complete moron when it comes to close relationships, that I make poor choices, and tapped out.  Every interaction since then has proven this was the wisest thing I have ever done.

Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Yesterday it came up that one of my friends said that I am pretty much the same on-line as I am in person. I asked a couple more people I know, because I have been “on line” since my first e-mail account in 1985, and it’s something that has always knocked around in my head.

When I first started up a webpage in 1999, I created an exaggerated version of myself as the “writer” on the webpage. I’d been doing the Weekly News Update news parody for a few years, and had created the persona of a hard drinking cynic who despised humanity that was how I was at the time turned up to 25.  It was odd in that people who dealt with me in person did searches for me and then would bring it up.

Try to explain to your son’s friend’s mom that the piece you wrote mocking “mission statements” where you say your drinking is more important to you than you job or family is a joke without feeling like an asshole. I dare you.

But when it came to person stuff like in e-mail, chat and the like, I tried to do a good job of presenting myself “as is”. Too many times, people puff themselves up, make themselves seem more important than they are, or just flat out lie, even when it is in personal conversations.  I’m not talking in the whole “dating website” thing where people lie about their age, their job, their physical activity, etc… I mean when you just chat with someone.

People try to put their best self forward, even if the shoes doesn’t quite fit any more.

I do the opposite, I think. In my podcast with Joe, Kray Z Comics and Stories, I turn myself up to 11, mock myself (The Solitaire Rose Compound type of joke), but I don’t make up stuff about myself, or make myself into more than I am.  Hell, if anything I downplay myself because it’s about the content, not making myself famous.

On Facebook, I try to be funny, sometimes thoughtful and always honest. Probably too honest.  I discuss my emotional swings, generalized anxiety disorder, feeling alone in a world with 7 billion humans, how I work too much, what I get excited about, and how I am a contradictory mix of hope and dread.

Am I the same person on line? As others have said, I’m much more gregarious and open on line.  When I meet people, I tend to wait until I feel safe before opening up because I’m guarded.  One person messaged me that I am a LOT quieter in person which I agree with.

The Boy said: You’re a snarky asshole for justice.  I decided to lay down the snarkiness and cynicism in 1999, but I guess I have a LOT to work on with that.

A local comics creator said that I was a bit intimidating, which I have heard from time to time, which amazes me, as I see myself as a doofus. I used to be told that when I worked in Juvenile Justice as well, so I need to work on being more approachable.

But I try to be on line who I am in person. Hopefully, I succeed, and those of you whom I messaged and asked to fill me in on it, I really wish you would.  As I try to do better in my quest to Love Everybody and Make ‘em Feel Good About themselves, I am really looking for honest feedback.  Last year messed with my head in more ways that I knew at the time and any feedback is good feedback.

Much love to those who know me and haven’t run away screaming and I hope you feel secure enough to be yourself, because you are accepted and you are enough.