Thought for today after a rough workweek
“Cory!!, such and such person was terrible to you, will you let them back in your life? Don’t you HATE them?”
“You hate me, don’t you?”
“How can you forgive them? They are terrible!”
“Please don’t hate me! Please?!?”
“I’m so sorry. I understand if you don’t ever want to talk to me again.”
“How do you even still talk to that person, they are such a jerkl!”
“Come on, you can’t forgive EVERYONE in your life, can you?”
So. People do shitty things to each other. Does that mean they are terrible human beings? No. Sorry, I don’t believe in the “some people are good and some are bad” unless we get to the extremes, serious sociopathy, child abuse and the like. For normal, everyday shittiness, I have a much different mindset. It’s hard to get past the hurt of their vitriol, but when you place yourself in a mindset of forgiveness and empathy, you can move from target to observer.
It’s hard, but you have to remember that it’s Not About You.
In a healthy relationship of any kind, mistakes are just that, mistakes. People discuss them, work through the feelings and move forward. When someone is toxic, they see the mistake as an attack and as such, need to pass judgement and impose punishment. It can be from verbal attacks to withdrawal of contact (remember that physical abuse is beyond the line and you are dealing with someone who needs to be removed from your life immediately), but it’s not about you and you shouldn’t take anything personally.
The only reason these have hurt us is because somewhere deep inside they are hurting themselves. Something has happened to them that has hurt them, and they are lashing out, much like how, when an animal is caught in a trap, they will attack anything that comes near them, even if that other animal is trying to help.
They have been cruel, derogatory and rip apart anything positive you have done for them because they are not well. However outwardly confident they may look, however happy and active they may appear, their actions are all the evidence we need that they cannot, in truth, be in a good place. It’s the old rule of going by what people DO rather than what they SAY.
When you don’t take anything personally, you can observe their behaviors, understand why they are doing what they do and act accordingly. It may be to explain how you will change your behavior. It may be to simply listen and let them get the poison out. It may, sadly, have to be that you disengage until they are willing to interact without attacking.
In the end, it’s not about you. It’s about them. And because of that, you forgive them and love them despite the pain they have gone through.
Much love to friends old and new, and I hope that those who have hurt you are able to heal, that you are able to heal and you live in unconditional love and forgiveness.