The Greatest Breakfast Cereals
Before we begin, I want to remind you that all rice based cereals are terrible. Don’t come at me with your excuses, you know that they have a half life of about 26 second before they are too soggy to eat and are a bowl of mushy sadness. Also, there are about a bajillion cereals that are just Captain Crunch with a different shape and mascot. Quisp, King Vitamin, Batman, Pac-Man, Mr. T, Pokemon, Urkel – Os, C-3PO’s, and so on. They will all be listed as Captain Crunch. Finally, there are no Malt-o-Meal cereals on this list because screw them.
1. Honey-Comb Cereal – The GOAT. Great in a bowl with milk, in a coffee mug while watching TV, or in one of those cereal holders that fit in your car’s cup holder. I also like the knockoffs such as Waffle Crisp Cereal
2. Nerds Cereal – The fact that these no longer exist is a crime against humanity. SUPER over flavored cereal with one flavor on one side and another flavor on the other. I ate endless boxes of these in college, and I did not smoke weed. That’s how good they were. I mourn their loss.
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989) Cereal – The greatest tie-in cereal of all time. They took Corn Chex, frosted them and added cereal marshmallows. They also did it for the Spider-Man cereal a few years later. Best. Innovation of the latter 20th century.
4. Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Frute Brute, and Yummy Mummy. – Marshmallows, overly sugar coated Alpha Bits, turns the milk colors, tastes like chemicals and has a monster on the box. The ONLY reason it’s not number 1 is because it’s only available for two months every year.
5. Count Chocula – One step below because I like fruit chemical flavors more than chocolate.
6. Cocoa Puffs Cereal – I am not a huge fan of chocolate flavored cereals, but this one is different. A mentally ill spokesman, keeps its crunch for a week and a half in milk, and tastes like what a chemical engineer would think chocolate tastes like, this cereal tastes like nothing healthy was ever even shown to this cereal.
7. Honey Nut Cheerios Cereal – Cheerios themselves kinda suck, but this is one of the best variations. Not just because it’ll keep your kid quiet during car rides (which is good enough) but it’s perfectly fine without milk. Yes, tell me it’s good for me, I don’t care, it tastes good as do all of the sugared variations.
8. Trix Cereal – For YEARS they screwed up Trix by having it as fruit shapes. It shouldn’t be. The flavors are not real, so the fact that they are colored balls of corn with unnatural colors and sugar is what they should be. Plus, the hollow ones float. The best of the Fruit cereals. I KNOW Fruit Loops is the one loved by most people as well as cats in memes, but Trix wins because the Trix Rabbit is psychologically damaged and the Fruit Loops Toucan has given up on his ability to find Fruit Loops that are hidden away.
9. Cookie-Crisp: Chocolate Chip Cereal – All cookie based cereals are awesome. Cookie Crisp was the first, but the kings of this mountain are the Chips Ahoy cereal and the Nutter Butter cereal, followed closely behind by Nilla Wafer with Banana and so on.
10. Crunch Berries (Cap’n Crunch) Cereal – Captain Crunch with Trix in it. Which means Oops All Berries is just Trix.
11. Apple Jacks – These are just Fruit Loops with bumps and only two colors. I know they are SUPPOSED to be apple flavored, but they aren’t. They are sugar flavored. They’d be right next to Trix and Fruit Loops if they weren’t lying about the flavor involved. Apple my ass.
12. Smorz Cereal – In MY day, this was Rocky Road cereal, and mom wouldn’t let us have it. This is chocolate covered Golden Crisp with marshmallows, which just seems like it’s trying too hard. Back it off a little, buddy, no one likes a cereal this damn needy.
13. Cap’n Crunch Cereal – Corn gets turned into different shapes and is then coated with sugar. That’s what I want in the morning. These stay crunchy in milk, have enough sugar to wake you up and actually taste awesome. Why aren’t they number 1? First, they attack the roof of your mouth with vigor, trying to survive. Second, they have gotten rid of many of the best spin offs like Vanilly. Lastly, they don’t use the wonderful character like Smedly the Peanut Butter elephant, the 3 kids who hung out with the Captain, Pierre LeFeet and so on. Shame for forgetting your roots, Captain!
14. Frosted Flakes Cereal – Everyone has a version of this and they are all good. How can you go wrong by coating corn with sugar? You can’t.
15. Lucky Charms Cereal – It’s Alpha Bits with Marshmallows. Marshmallows make every cereal better, even if they aren’t really marshmallows, but instead little sugar and corn starch cubes.
16. Alpha Bits – Sugar coated oats cereal, it does not matter if the shape is Any good. With marshmallows is better, but this is a good, middle of the road cereal, as well as the different variations. And, it’s oats, so it’s heart healthy, right?
17. Corn Pops Cereal – Corn Pops are kinda bland, kinda boring. It’s corn, but not in an fun shape. It’s sugar glazed, but not special flavor. It never had a mascot that lasted long enough for anyone to care. I remember a cowboy being the mascot, and the history shows it’s usually a character owned by someone else, like Wild Bill Hickcock, Woody Woodpecker, Jack Sparrow and I don’t know who else. If your cereal is just kinda there, give it a bunch of cartoon characters to make me want to eat it. As it is, it’s a cereal you get when you don’t know what your kid likes.
18. Golden Grahams Cereal – A much better version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The coating stays on the flake and it actually keeps the flake crisp longer. So there.
19. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cereal – This was listed as number one, and I have to disagree. The sugar comes off the cereal and puddles at the bottom of the bowl, making a hard sludge and the cereal itself gives up to sogginess way too soon. It’s good, but not GREAT and not even in my top ten. And there are a bunch of variations. I know the French Toast version is beloved, but it doesn’t taste a damn thing like eggs, so how can it be French Toast flavored?
20. Frosted Mini Chex Cereal – Chex is a cereal that is good as a snack, but as a cereal, only Corn Chex is tolerable. Frosted Chex is awesome (and they just use Corn Chex because, duh) and Wheat and Rice Chex are just bad ideas unless mixed with soy sauce, peanuts, pretzels, and salt. And, Chex Mix is not a good cereal with milk. Trust me on this one.
21. Corn Flakes & Peaches Cereal – Only available for all to brief a time. Freeze dried peaches mixed with corn flakes makes you feel like you’re about to spend the day in a Mark Twain novel. Both for good AND ill.
22. Reese’s Puffs Cereal – I shouldn’t like this because I am not a fan of Reese’s peanut butter cups. SHUT UP, I CAN’T LIKE EVERYTHING. However, this mix of peanut butter and downplayed chocolate works and I’ll buy it if there’s nothing about it available or someone who is coming to visit likes it. Since no one ever comes to visit, I don’t have to worry about it.
23. Blueberry Muffin Tops Cereal – OK, I lied, there is a Malt o Meal cereal here. However, this one isn’t a knockoff of something better. This looks like Cinnamon Toast Crunch with extra sugar, no cinnamon and blue chicken pox. However, Muffin Top Cereal? That’s either the best name ever or a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. I don’t bring it to work simply because I don’t want to be called into HR and told to cover up the name.
24. Corn Flakes and Cheerios – The generic cereals. Tolerable on their own, but need sugar sprinkled on them. Just buy the frosted versions so that you save time and don’t get the hard island of sugar at the bottom of the bowl when you are done. Geez.
25. Kaboom Cereal – I remember nothing about how this tasted. I just know that the next day, after going to the bathroom, the color of the cereal had not been broken down by my body and it scared me. I didn’t report it at the time, I just quit eating it. Now, I don’t trust any food connected to clowns or circuses. That means YOU Circus Fun Cereal, which no one liked anyway.
26. Super Sugar Crisp, Sugar Crisp, Super Golden Crisp, Golden Crisp, Honey-Toasted Sugar Puffs Cereal – These are all the same cereal. They keep renaming it, and if they wouldn’t do that, it would have been ranked higher. Not much higher, but still.
27. Freakies Cereal – There are people who claim this cereal from the 70’s was great. These people also remember Air Supply, Debbie Boone, and black light posters were great. It’s the cereal equivalent of animal crackers. Yeah, technically, it’s good, but after half a bowl you wish you’d just not eaten anything.
28. Grape-Nuts Cereal – I know what you are going to say. However, if you mix this in with yogurt, they get soft enough to give your yogurt a crunch, so that it has different textures. That’s why it is on the list. But notice how low it is.
29. – Grape-Nuts Flakes Cereal “Look! It’s Grape Nuts as flakes so the only thing you like about them is negated. But, it’s got bran, so….